Abraxas Guardian of the Universe
Abraxas Guardian of the Universe (1991)
Price paid: 2.99
Weapon of Choice: Car
Not just a Santana Album
WHAT'S THE STORY?
In space there exists a group of space cops called Finders and one of them named Secundus travels to earth to impregnate a women with his magic glowing hand in order to order to create a kid who can has the anti-life equation pre-equipped. Apparently the kid can be a weapon and make Secundus all powerful as oppose to the virtually all powerful he was already. Oh and he's like 10,000 years old. So a balding Jesse Ventura is sent to stop him. He is not allowed to kill him (because it's against the rules) he has to catch him. Pressed by his superiors to stop Secundus, Abraxas is told to kill the impregnated mother and the child that is conceived and bore in her in the course of less than five minutes. He catches Secundus and leaves not killing the Earth folks like he's suppose to. He comes back 5 years later after his former prey escapes (he's dangerous but not allowed to be killed) and defends the child and his mother. There were some minor characters who brought the movie out from an hour. Nothing in this movie made sense. Why did anybody do anything? John Blush's brother was in one scene, exactly why we don't know. His presence could have only made the movie more expensive. So they blew all their budget on Jim Bluish and were forced to use flashlights to light the duration of the film.
It's not the worst movie we've ever seen but it's certainly one of the messiest. Plot wise it is a catastrophe. The movie did not bother spending enough time explaining the main plot and spent other time on irrelevant characters. It was dark, not in tone like in a Clint Eastwood flick. The lighting was just bad to the point where you were asking who was who. Oh and one cannot forget the smooth easy listening jazz soundtrack, always in the wrong place. As far as the acting goes, your just as well leaving the TV on mute and since there are no subtitles on this DVD you will never know what is being said. The menu has one option:
A hearty screw you to people who want a scene selection. If you ever decide to put this back in your DVD player after stopping somewhere that is not the end you'll have to fast forward the thing like a freaking VHS. I thought we were past this.
Unanswered Questions: Where did a Canadian cop get an Uzi? Does talking to you arm and it responding make you schitzo? What the hell is a Finder exactly? Why can't Jim Belushi stop mute children from being made fun of? Why was Jim Belushi even here at all? Why is the picture on the cover of the box an image from Jesse in the film Predator? At what point did he find time to start bleeding after being impaled by a lamp? Why did more trees die than people?
Is it worth the 2.99 we paid for it? yeah sure why not. good for laughs but made no sense