Hi, now im assuming that most of you are Halo fans, so i decided this would be a great spot to put the prolouge to my Halo Short-mid length story. I'll probably make a seperate area later to put on each chapter, but this is here to introduce you.
“Spartan 94? Gordon, are you there?” the pale aqua tint of the ‘female’ AI appeared in Gordon’s visor, awaking him from his slumber.
“Yes Tay, Corporal First Class Gordon,” he made an uncomfortable stretch, “is here. What’s our status?” He checked his waist for his M6G pistol, and felt the small metal weapon. He had a feeling he’d need this more than ever.
“Corporal, it would appear we are on Colony 3.078, the local outposts alert a Covenant Armada in orbit. No signs of the U.S.S. Arcania being in orbit though… they must have destroyed her as our Pod dropped.” Gordon watched as signals and icons dropped in and out of his visor.
His bio-engineered hands pushed open the hatch of the pod, and let in the cold air of Colony 3.078, it reminded him of his one trip to earth, he’d arrived during something they called Fall, it had been cold like this, but without any snow.
He snapped out of his vision, and back to the open area. He had landed near a rural area; he could see simple roads lined against what must have been this planet’s trees.
He Bashed into the survival pack and pulled out a BR55HB, the battle rifle. He looked up to see several shined Covenant Transports headed South, looked like he was going to hitch hike his way to the battle…
Ok, first off I think the idea for a Spartan short story is cool. But I have some ideas for revision. Don't take it as overly-critical, just see what you like and use it.
1- "Awaking" in the first line should be "awakening" 2- Don't have him say his rank when he speaks to "Tay." 3- I like the name for the AI 4- U.S.S. Arcania line should maybe read "No signs of U.S.S. Arcania... (awesome name btw) the Covenant must have destroyed her as our Pod dropped. 5- Don't say his hands are bio-engineered unless you were going to go into the details of the process shortly afterward. I mean within a line or two. 6- With MJOLNIR armor, he wouldn't feel the temperature. The suit has climate control features for the Spartans to survive in extreme conditions. 7- Earth is capitalized. 8- He should know what Fall is. That would probably be a universal because planets that are inhabited are capable of sustaining life. 9- If you want to mention the trees, describe them. Otherwise just say "tree-lined road." 10- Use BR55HB Battle Rifle, rather than "BR55HB, the battle rifle." 11- The final sentence needs grammatical work. Try something like "He looked up to see several shining Covenant Transports headed South. It seemed he was hitching a ride to the fight." That's one of many ways you can take that line.
Thanks, there's actually some good stuff in there, i'll take that into consideration, and with the temperature thing, that actually gave me a great idea for a emotion showing scene, so thanks for being honest, oh and just so you know, this isn't the entire story.
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