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8 years ago (10/12/04)
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5 months ago
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Friend Zoned By My CrushYep, and it sucks. I *thought* he was interested in me, but after he kissed me and I had to wonder what that was about, he friend-zoned me. Either I sucked at kissing, or he just didn't feel anything for me. I shouldn't have asked. I knew to take it with a grain of salt anyway, but it was still disappointing. On another note: I seem to be having some sort of weird effect on guys lately... Lot of them are popping up out of the woodwork, asking to come visit me, to take me to dinner.... When I say come to visit, i mean they are driving here, to podunk city, to come see me. I shit you not. I'm like, uh, okay. And all they want to do?? Take me to dinner. That's it. COnfused? Yeah, me too. Hey, at least it's free food and good (sometimes awkward) conversation. I hope to God it's not because I got all skinny again. I might fluff myself back up again... Friend Zoned By My CrushYep, and it sucks. I *thought* he was interested in me, but after he kissed me and I had to wonder what that was about, he friend-zoned me. Either I sucked at kissing, or he just didn't feel anything for me. I shouldn't have asked. I knew to take it with a grain of salt anyway, but it was still disappointing. On another note: I seem to be having some sort of weird effect on guys lately... Lot of them are popping up out of the woodwork, asking to come visit me, to take me to dinner.... When I say come to visit, i mean they are driving here, to podunk city, to come see me. I shit you not. I'm like, uh, okay. And all they want to do?? Take me to dinner. That's it. COnfused? Yeah, me too. Hey, at least it's free food and good (sometimes awkward) conversation. I hope to God it's not because I got all skinny again. I might fluff myself back up again...
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Relationships Make Me Question SanityEspecially my sanity. Seriously.
I must have this tendency to date psycho men. I mean, I started dating for the first time since my engagement was broken off bc my ex-fiance cheated on me 2-and-a-half years ago. So now I seem to keep picking some REAL winners over here...
Kind of really want a real man. A superhero/hero kind of guy. I ended up dating an ex-model for a few months, and he just kept getting creepier and more psycho as time passed, then he broke up with me on my birthday, saying I was the bad guy. I had to laugh at his discription of me: lonely, insecure, needy, selfish, have too much free time, and have trust issues.
Seriously??
I realized he was projecting this list about HIMSELF onto me. THrough most of our dating, if he heard I had been hit on by some guy, or saw it, he would go and flirt with other girls or talk about any hot girl that passed by. I had to wonder why he was out to try to make me jealous. I'm not the jealous type. I think the one day he decided to grasp my neck and asked if I liked the idea of rape.. Yeah, i think I can say that's probably when I stopped liking him.
That guy was everything on his list. He even told me a few dates later, that when he had first started dating me, he was dating three other chicks. I never asked him for that information. HE told ME, since he said I must wonder what he does. I said I wonder as much as he wonders what I am doing when I say "nothing." (which i always said nothing since he seemed disinterested in knowing in the first place).
The sad part: This guy REALLY seemed like a keeper, at first. He biked with me, walked with me, took me out to events, played video games, was actually kind of more affectionate than i like, but didn't mind, seemed relaxed around me, had this sweet side of wanting to protect me, even went ahead and cleaned up an injury i got on one of our bike runs. Gradually.... it alllll went to shit. Saw what he really was inside. I was disappointed.
I would like to make it out to be that perhaps he put a wall up when he started getting close to me. He stopped dating all the other girls and got serious about me. I mean, to the point of giving me a toothbrush after a super garlicky dinner one day. While we were brushing our teeth together, he said, "Awwww, we're domesticating!" Called me his "wife" a few times. I took all that with a grain of salt.
The best part was asking him what I was to him (as in if i was a friend, girlfriend, some chick he was dating), and he had no answer. I said most guys know when they want someone, and he was as indecisive and confused as a fat dude who gets offered sex by a set of twin supermodels. SO i got the title of "girl he was dating," and I have to say, he's the first guy to not immediately know if he wanted to keep dating me or not. He kept this shit dragging on.
Well, lesson learned. This guy was UNBELIEVEABLY selfish, I kind of wonder why i bothered to overlook his failings. I guess I really wanted something to pan out. I wanted the guy i FIRST met to be the dude i was dating, not the follow-up asshole. *sigh*
Then some other guy swooped in to say that the other guy was stupid. Technical snag: this dude ended up being married (but his wife has been estranged for 2 years and he's been trying to get a divorce from her). I didn't really allow a relationship to bloom, but we both felt the same.
And then suddenly, *POOF*, because he did not understand my online personality is me being an asshole, he came to think that *this* was the real me. I should mention that this guy was a guy I met online. Then he just began to get erratic. He did like what they other guy did, which was constantly talk about himself. He kept telling me i was yakking it up about myself all the time. I even asked him, tell me details about myself. He couldn't list anything. Ever since I put up the photos (the superhero shots for the comic i'm writing), he has become completely antagonistic. ANY time i write, he just has to tell me to stop talking about myself.
"Hey guys. Have you read this article?"
"Oh, there she goes, writing all about herself again. SO what is it today? You save a bus of kittens and now all the men adore you?"
WTF homie??
When he stopped talking to me, it was because i am "self-absorbed and disrespectful." I can see slightly the self-absorbed/selfish/needy part, but that's because i am an attention whore and enjoy being in the spotlight sometimes. That's why i am acting and modeling. It gives me the fix i need. However, i am the first friend people call when they are in trouble (and always the one to be there), so saying that i am self-absorbed just shows he doesn't know me. ANd i have NEVER been disrespectful until I was forced to be. He's also being a dick to everyone now, and i have to say, at least it's not JUST me, but i AM his primary target. I was the one he was affectionate towards.
Can't i win for once, God? Please? Wonderful personality, wonderful heart, good looks (i'm so used to dating guys without them, but would like to change a little bit.. you know, an upgrade), wonderful everything. I think i am asking too much, i guess. I am stuck in a bad situation that I can't get out of in the first place, so it doesn't help. I'm completely stifled. Need to get my life started. ARGH!!!
And that has been what's up with me over the last few months. Also, i'm in a lot of films and have taken up modeling again. Yay! NOthing pays yet though... ;_;
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Hm, Just A Thought....The price of knowledge is the ignorance of not using what you know...
Random thought that hit me.
I know I would go somewhere with this, but I have to wake up for a shitty job int he morning.
I've been back from Japan for 5 months and still no job to be had. REAL job, that is.
Sleep time, i guess....
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Japanese ProphylacticsSo I was walking to school on Monday of last week. I had just crossed the street to where the school perimeter is (nets and fences to keep balls from flying out into the street, which means walking AROUND since there is no way THROUGH to get to the school) and just limping along. I see something greenish sitting on the ground, and i think, "Stupid littering kids" (Japan has no litter anywhere since they take environmental issues VERY seriously) and had half a mind to pick it up, but thought better of it.
At the time I was still a distance off so I couldnt see what I was heading up on.
Cue me walking up and not realizing until a split second before placing my foot on it (almost hard to avoid since it was splat in the middle of the narrow sidewalk), I realized EXACTLY what it was and retracted my foot before it touched down.
A giant, bright fucking green condom And it was full, if you get my meaning.
Either some guy was one hell of a liar, or we have a porn star in waiting.
Not only that, but I realized my innocent, sweet, lazy kids are sex maniacs.
I am having a lot of trouble looking at my kids the same way.
It was there for a few more days before it disappeared. Now I should mention the reason I got the idea of picking it up was because there are old women here who try to keep the place clean. They just pick up trash to make Japan a cleaner place. They tend not to know about the more modern things (where I live, most are in their 70-90s) so I had this terrible thought: What if an old granny happened to walk by and picked it up and put it in her purse to dispose of later?
Yeah, I hear the EWWWWS and the gag reflexes from you guys....
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JIhad 2Okay, a continuance. So yeah, I randomly get a lot of attention. Maybe it's my sparkling wit, or my rays of sunshine eminating from my face. Or maybe it's that I can make anything sound sarcastic. I dont know. The point is, everyone stares at me, trying to figure me out. My best friend decided to try to find out what it was that made me... well, me. Just like here.
They want to unlock my secrets. They want to know what makes me so vastly different from them, even when they see my efforts in trying to fit in. I dont want them to hunt though. It's not for them to really know. They want to understand me. They should have done what my best friend did: he didnt try to understand me. He just accepted me as I was, as I am, as who I could potentially become.
Here's what I want to say to these people here:
Stop staring. Stop trying to understand. Stop trying to find out about me. Just accept me. I am not someone else. I will not beome someone else or try to fill their shoes. I will not be your puppet or your excuse or your shame. My 100% will not equal your 100%, nor will your 100% even get close to my 100%. Where I came from, I had to fight to get here. WHere you come from, you just glided your asses into the hangar.
I am not egotistical, self-serving, or self-centered. I AM, however, superbly self-critical. I am sarcastic and try to be funny, but I am not rude or mean. I do not see myself as ego-centric; I do not believe anyone should be the center of anything for longer than a few minutes, lest they become bigots and elevate themselves to the status of a god. I do joke about being 'a god', but the reality is, I think of myself as the amoeba under God's foot.
I have risked everything and lost everything and am now trying to salvage what little can be saved. I want a good life, a better life. I want back everything I lost. I DONT need to be told how others have lost stuff (yeah, everyone here is married and I am the only one who GAVE IT UP... try that one for size, boys... Oh, I'm sorry. You're too small.... >.> Yep, there goes the sarcasm) here too. I dont want to say RESPECT ME and force them, but asking to please try to respect me as I am trying to respect others seems too great of a deal for them to do....Anyway. People fail to see the bigger picture, but as people are deaf, so too are they blind. All they care to find are the flaws and mistakes. Actually, the problem is, they want to go after all my flaws that are flaws to them, but would not normally be flaws anywhere else. Or maybe it is because it is ME. Stick mirrors in front of them, watch them pick out their own mistakes, tell them it's a mirror, then hear the say it is not them with the mistakes, but YOU. Cant win against people who believe everyone else but themselves are imperfect.
As another note randomly: I never lie. Forked tongues are tell-tales of deceivers. HOw disgusting. People who hide things too, I consider liars. The truth should never be hidden. This one was especially after that fight I had with that one guy... I called him a liar. Serves him right. Maybe he will start really examining HIMSELF.
I understand about things hidden in Asian culture. EVERYONE does it in their respective cultures. HOwever, doing shit outright and then being rude when caught... I dont play that game. No offense, but that was just idiotic. How dare you.
Sorry, this is a mixture of me telling off the people at my work and try to explain to you guys at the same time. sorry for the back-and-forth. Some of this was added (thus the confusion) because I felt it needed to be expounded upon. More isnt always better, but in this case, it is to help ya'll get the idea of what I am dealing with.
I really need to punch idiots...
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JihadI am using this as it traditionally was called: inner conflict. I am fighting with myself, and also with the world I am in. I am not trying to go against the current of the people here. This is Japan and I am a guest, a foreignor. However, in my anger over a bunch of crap that I am dealing with, I felt the need to start writing an actual journal by hand. Oddly, I stuck it in a book I have been keeping about things I have been finding out about Japan and using it as a reference book, a dictionary, a story book, a prose book (lots of poetry and phrases either I have heard or I myself have written or said), and then I decided to add another journal entry. There are actually a few short ones, but I figured this one was worth you guys reading about.
Yeah, I know. I have so gotten unfunny since I have been here. I miss being sarcastic and screaming about things.
Bitches.
<3
Okay, here's what I wrote yesterday:
I need to take my own path in life; so why is everyone trying to make me walk theirs?
"Nothing in this world can be accomplished without passion." - fortune cookie
I guess people will continue to mistake my passion for trying to be different. Passion IS what makes me different. I wish I could so easily tell people that. Try to explain the Big Bang Theory and you will get science and math to explain it away. Try to explain passion and you will see either clueles faces or annoyed expressions for someone supposedly trying to be "different." Is passion really so bad to have? Is compassion so bad to have too? War heroes had passion and compassion. They became great. Look at Alexander the Great. He didnt just conquer lands; he conquered hearts. No one truly hated him.
"I dont want your thrones or kingships/ I just want alliances and tributes." I dont want to change people or how things are done for the most part. I just want to be respected and heard. No, LISTENED to. Deaf ears make for ignorance.
I remember one of my best friends telling me something.
We were in the FSU Union in the middle of the night. We had just come from a movie and decided to check out what cool shit they had that weekend in the Union, since they always had something going on besides Breakfast For A Buck. Vendors tended to pop up and take advantage of the many students milling around. On this occasion, there was a spray tattoo artist. I decided that I wanted "Freedom" sprayed on the back of my neck and "Fire" on my arm in Chinese (I think, considering much of Japanese is shared with Chinese, but I am almost sure that it was Chinese).
Both my best friend and the tattoo artist became curious at the choices. I didnt feel like doing a long-winded explanation so I simply said, " Fire is life. As for freedom, I choose not to be bound." This led to my best friend just staring at me for a few minutes intensely (something he used to do anyway, since he was always trying to figure it out). I couldnt look at him because of having the tattoo being sprayed on my neck. I have a feeling he got the look of "EURIKA" on his face. I could hear it in his voice when he popped out with:
"You're passionate!"
This earned him an eyebrow raise and a "Say what?" at how random it was. He quickly sputters (apparently he thought I had misinterpreted him to mean romantically) that he meant I was passionate in anything that I did, thoughts, etc, and that he didnt mean in the sense of love. I raised my eyebrow again at him, mockingly this time, and said I hadnt even been thinking in that direction as per romance. This led to our normal "cocksucker"-"bitch"-"asshole" fun fight. We always did that over anything. Fun times.
Anyway, I remember the intense staring he did often. I realized that there were many other people who did the same thing. In fact, here in Japan I get it often. Same thing in the States. I dont consider myself attractive, but i know that I DO attract a lot of attention. Sometimes it's intentional, but the vast majority of the time it is not.
Ack, I have to clean the room here for lunchbreak so I will have to continue this later.
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...And So I Let Him Go....Yeah. I let him go. He didnt seem superbly happy when I saw him. THe other couple seemed happy, but he didnt. Saw him glancing at my table often. I looked away when we made eye contact.
I wasnt going to do the dance, but i was pretty much forced to. Turns out my dress was the intense red handkerchief-hanging, empire-waist (only dress that fit me because i lost too much weight to wear the purple one, and they didnt like how it exposed my back) while everyone else wore muted colors. I looked like a Spanish dancer (hell yes, my intention to), stuck out like a sore thumb, and everyone liked my, uh, chest being exposed, shockingly enough. Anyway, the effect of it was nice.
The reason I say this about my boobs was that later on, when a guy server was putting tea on the table, he spilled the whole tray on me. It is proper to serve from the right side, so here is this guy, on my right shoulder. He bends over to take the empty glass and give me a new filled one. I think he looked down (CLEAVAGE AHOY MATES!) and he dropped the tray on me. I just sat there really calmly (and now very cold from the iced tea) and let him fix up the tray. I had to stay in it (even though I had brought a change of clothing for my date after) until the end of the ceremony because that is what they do. Supposedly. THe hotel is paying the dry cleaning bill and are sending it back to me soon.
My luck really really sucks. And I feel bad that I am trying to date someone else (for the last 3 months been trying to get away from the other guy bc i knew it would end with me having to let him go) but I feel nothing for him. Granted, we have had only 3 dates in 3 months.... This new guy is nice, but he isnt mischievious or devious, or cunning or fun.
Oh yeah, I should mention that one of the things that the other guy and i had argued about was how he thought i was trying to be different and I told him I cant help that I am, that I have been trying to blend in.... That dress didnt help at all. I have a feeling I will hear about this later.
If you want to see the two dresses, 6343 is the one I wore to his wedding. THey stopped making the color i wear, so hit the Claret color and that will be the closest color to it.
THe other dress, with the exposed back that was too big on me, is 6545. The whole thing is in a lilac purple color (even the band that accents it had to be made purple, though I like the red and brown version for the initial photo). I believe it is teh Victorian Lilac color. And I took off that ugly jewel thingy. Icky if it isnt a dark color.
Anyway. My heart hurts. I actually cried all weekend (except when I hung out with that guy I am dating...Had to act smooth). I mean, I got to see Dragonball Evolution and yeah, it was crappy, and you would think it would have made me happy since it was my first movie to see since I came here 7 months ago. No, I went home and cried myself miserably to sleep.
I am a fucking idiot for not stopping myself sooner. I tried. I wish that I hadnt fallen for him. I wonder if he had feelings for me. Maybe I am thinking to biased towards myself, but I think he did like me. Some of the shit that happened doesnt add up, ya know? Maybe I will write the saga when I get back to the States... But God, right now, my heart bleeds. I wish I could have been the one standing in front of him.
I gotta go before I start crying again. Man, Japan has made me a mess.
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