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World Leader Fantasy Fights!The quarter finals continue. I kind of like the way this has gotten so spaced out. Makes it seem fresh every time.
For the uninitiated, these are one-on-one battles between the characters I will be describing. It's a single-elimination tournament (just like life). First off, I'll give the results of the previous round, complete with little fight descriptions, and then I'll give you the combatants for this round. Vote in a journal comment, choosing the one person you think would win from each of the current round fights.
Previous round results:
Leonidas vs Napoleon
So Leonidas steps out onto the field wearing that outfit from 300, and Napoleon is immediately like, "Dude, put some fucking clothes on!" Only he says it in French. So it sounds all douchey on top of everything. The Spartan just rushes the Little Corporal with his sword, anticipating a quick win, but Napoleon whips out his own blade quicker than the eye can follow and parries the stroke.
The blows fly fast, but the Corsican slowly begins to gain the upper hand. Leonidas is stronger and has better reach, but Napoleon is quick and has some serious modern technique going for him. Finally the emperor knocks the king off balance and at the same moment pulls a pistol from his belt and sends a ball flying right into the other guy's bare chest. Leonidas looks down, stunned, having no idea what's just happened to him, and the Frenchman smiles smugly, but instead of falling the Spartan king get pissed. He hauls off and throws his sword, which sinks to the hilt in his opponent's chest and sticks several inches out the back. Napoleon is dead before he hits the ground, and the half-naked guy takes the round, just barely.
Teddy Roosevelt vs George Patton
Two of the manliest Americans ever decide to go face to face in a straight up bare-knuckle brawl. Patton is quick. He gets in a one-two combination fast, setting the inventor of big stick diplomacy back on his heels, but Teddy has been boxing most of his life. Patton, always ready to believe the best of himself moves in for a quick finish, but it was a feint. Teddy blocks the next shot and then sends a powerful right cross against the general's jaw. A quick follow-up to the sternum knocks the wind out of his opponent, however briefly, then a shot to the kidneys bends him over in pain and a final double-fisted over head shot sends Patton to the ground, and he doesn't move again. Don't fuck with a rough rider, son.
Now let's finish the quarter-finals:
Round 1:
Timur vs Genghis Khan
This is kind of an interesting matchup, because Timur actually took his inspiration from Genghis. Living 100-200 years after Khan, Timur a Turk of Mongol descent, decided that he wanted to bring back the great Mongol empire. So he went off and started killing fools. Starting in Turkey and other areas around the Black Sea, he conquered territory and killed people all the way through the Middle East and nearly to China. The thing was, he wasn't your nice, friendly, kill your men, rape your women sort of guy. He was more of a kill everyone in sight, man, woman, or child and then stack their skulls up in giant piles so that any other mother fucker who comes by will know who the fuck I am. No, seriously. He liked to stack skulls. I guess it was faster than building pyramids out of stone. 70,000 skulls in Isfahan, 20,000 in Aleppo. He herded thousands of civilians into the Cathedral Mosque in Damascus before setting it on fire. 70,000 beheaded in Tikrit. 90,000 in Baghdad. In battle he smashed the famous Golden Horde, left Delhi in ruins (reportedly beheading 10,000 people in 1 hour), So, yeah, sweet guy. He killed Xerxes and Stalin to make it this far in the tournament.
Genghis, on the other hand, was the guy who Timur looked up to. He began the creation of the largest congruous empire in history. The Khan's armies conquered 13 million square miles and killed 35-40 million people. So for every mile this guy went, he killed 3 people. And while he was doing that he slept with so many women that there are estimates that .5% of the current world population is descended from him. Who's your daddy? Khan has, so far, sliced his way through Charlemagne and George Washington.
Round 2:
Sam Houston vs Abraham Lincoln
Sam Houston killed Julius Caesar and Winston Churchill in previous rounds. This man is the personification of Texas. He wasn't from Texas, but he helped found it, which is close enough for us. The only man ever to be governor of two different states, not to mention president of a country. One of the few prominent citizens in US history to be respected enough by a Native American tribe (the Cherokee) that they adopted him. One day while he was governor of Tennessee, he was in DC, and some congressman from Ohio started talking shit about him in congress. Houston confronted him and started beating him with his hickory stick. The guy drew a pistol stuck it right in Houston's chest and pulled the trigger, but the gun misfired. Sam Houston kicked so much ass that even guns were scared to fuck with him. He was put on trial and ended up being fined $500, but instead of paying it, he went to Texas where we made him a general and put him in command of the Texas Army. He beat the shit out of the Mexicans and helped Texas become independent. Then he became president of Texas.
Lincoln has beat down Fidel Castro and Vlad the Impaler to get to this point. He was a big guy, 6' 4", who cut a pretty intimidating figure from all accounts. He didn't do a lot of fighting. He was a political man from his early years, but he was also a tough frontiersman, log cabin and all that. Accustomed to swinging an axe and a talented wrestler. Strong guy with a huge force of will. So intimidating that even when JWB came to shoot him, he did it from behind,
Pick one from each fight
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Lincoln.
and Sam Houston