4 years ago
I forget sometimes that I'm an attractive or like able person. You might say that I have a poor self image, I'd rather think that this observation is the result of my consistently high standards. The fact that I am liked and likable, surprises me. At times it becomes a fact that I cannot ignore when the behavior of others cannot be explained by politeness or social protocol, but instead are the result of their honest appreciation of me. When this happens, I am either ashamedly surprised or arrogantly self assured. There is no middle ground.
We are a society which adores self confidence and yet abhors the plain statement of this self assurance. It is a part of the dance that I only know to do unconsciously. When I perform, which is to say when I am around others, I must be oblivious to the very qualities which I acknowledge with my self assurance. So it is thus that I am surprised when someone calls me out on my achievement of earnest confidence backed by true skill. Perhaps this is part of the dance too, for if I were not surprised by my own achievement in earning their admiration then I would be conceited and thus unattractive.
I guess to me I'm just me, nothing special, just same old person who's always hanging around me. And I forget then that others do not know me, and that in fact there might be something special in the time we spend with others.
I could say that I'm lucky when I look at others and see what I have that they do not. But that would not be true, for I once had little and worked to make something of myself so I am not lucky. Except in that I tried and succeeded.
I hope as much for anyone.
My Love - The Bird and the Bee
4 years ago
I watched Donnie Darko today and found it unsettling in the memories it awakened in me. I felt feelings of uncertainty and angst that I haven't felt in three years when I was still a sophomore in college sleep deprived and paranoid. My younger, more idealistic self believed in facing all thoughts and emotions head on; that to do otherwise would be cowardly. I've seen what happens when you don't take control of your emotions, and the result is not bravery. Perhaps bravery is the will to feel confidence and self assurance despite the appeal of worry and deliberation.
I used to think that it was dishonest to control your emotions in such a way, that it was 'phony.' Philosophically you could say I believed in the unwavering pursuit of truth and honesty. That was when I believed in a purist utilitarian idea of functionality and nothing more. This was not an act of dedication to an ideal, I simply saw no value in aesthetic concerns, a logically consistent viewpoint if you see humanity as having the potential for purely rational behavior.
This viewpoint thus treated only my logical aspects and did nothing to manage my emotional self. Which lead to confusion, and added to the pubescent tumult we have all known. I suppose until you find a sense of purpose anyone will be prone to such uncertainty, and Donnie Darko is a hammer whose purpose is to strike this chord. So now my mind is whipped into an emotional vortex and I find myself stricken with poetic thoughts of self reflection. And yet, I have no fille with whom to share this romance, and it is sad to be alone with such warmth in your heart.
4 years ago
I'm writing from the hospital now undergoing treatment for a collapsed lung, with a suction tube in my chest, O2 to my nose, morphine & saline coming in one IV, Antibiotics through another, anticoagulant in my blood, leg compressors on my ankles for the same purpose. Suffice to say I've been better. Take solace in that I will be better.
Say hello to me since I have the time on my hands. I avoid update journals, but these seemed like something worth mentioning.
5 years ago
I had an idea for a game where the player completes abstract tasks of varied and increasing complexity. In the last phase the player is a human biology student and discovers that the tasks they were completing were animal behaviors like grass germination, herbivore grazing, hunting, parasitism, even cannibalism. Then the player would be asked to reflect upon the morality of these animal behaviors given that the animal - and in this case the player - have no moral conception of their actions, only that each must complete it's behavior for survival. Just as a player must complete these actions to advance through the game.
The idea occurred to me after I looked up wasps on Wikipedia and discovered both social structure in a small number of wasps, and parasitism in the greater number of species. The wasp doesn't know that it's building a colony (a so called noble act) or depositing it's eggs on other insect species for the larvae to eventually eat the host. The wasp is just doing what it has always done, what it must do to survive. To the wasp it is just drawing hexagons or dropping eggs into holes.
Since I was curious to see how players would react to and feel about these things: How does this make you feel?
5 years ago
I feel as though there must be a lot of accounts on this site which go into a phase of journal entries with titles like the one that heads this entry. So it's cliche, who gives a damn?
My life has come a long way since I last wrote here. In terms of time, self discovery, and trial.
I now pursue two majors, both engineering, one electrical and one mechanical. We hope that some day I may design great products and possibly prosthetics.
I'm back to my old habits of terrible sleep schedules - as evidenced by this three am post - which may or may not be the result of a disorder in my brain that makes my circadian rythem more susceptible to light. I should get it checked out.
I worry still about many things. For instance does the girl who just called to say she needs time before she gets into a relationship with me feel that way because of me or her? Does my touch and go love life signify a personal trait, perhaps something in my body chemistry that attracts women only to the prospect of the one night stand? Maybe it is as I've feared all along and my personality is intolerable in extended one on one interviews that come as a necessity from the presence of a relationship?
I could have been stronger on the phone with her. I could have asked her to be with me. Told her that I cared about her and that she really meant something and that I didn't want to let that go. She left the question open, to scared to say she didn't like me enough to want a relationship she made the decision mine. And I as a good little boy let her off the hook.
She's as much responsible for our present situation as I am, it's not as though I put the moves on her, she clearly put herself before me. And yet we are separated. And yet even as we were together I felt nothing from kissing her. No real pleasure only the basic conscious comfort. Perhaps she was not perfumed, perhaps she was not in heat, but still as I kissed her I considered stopping to say that I was not interested, that I was not turned on by what should by all rights turn me on. Granted the natural body reactions were there, but I didn't feel the ecstasy and I'm not sure what to make of that.
I didn't stop though, I'm too kind and I didn't want to spoil it for her, didn't want to snub her. So I go on with it all until she calls it off. Is this better, do I save face by letting her figure it out? Or should I take the lead and call it quits when such feelings arise. As an engineer I'm inclined to wait despite a negative response to see if the condition is maintained despite the circumstance.
Perhaps I simply don't care enough about the girls I date, or conversely are my standards too high so I don't commit to the girls who like me? So many questions which you the reader have no power to answer. But perhaps you can take some solace in the feeling that I'm a human being that feels some of the same things you feel and is willing to share them.
Apologies for the emo blast, but that's what drunk journals result in.
I've posted this song before, but I still love it.
5 years ago
If you read Penny Arcade, then you might have already seen this: Copper, by Kazu Kibuishi
I find the characters to do a good job of representing depth and variety of personality. I'm alluding to the tendency of most serialized characters to grow stale an seem canned with age as they establish their tropes. By updating infrequently the creator not only optimizes the concentration of creative content but ensures that he will treat the characters as fresh bodies in every serial thus creating the multiplicity of personality that is true of the factual identity.
I'm also going to credit the independent process here. As interesting as it is for artists to get perpetual feedback as they draw their characters there is a serious drawback. Like a room of network executives it has a filtering effect improving quality by guiding the artist's hand to the ideas which resonate most strongly. But also like an executive boardroom the feedback can wrest creative control and adulterate the art.
Giving too much influence to third parties put characters in a cannon box, where the history of their own actions is expected to guide their decisions and becomes prohibitive to personal growth or exploration of a character's complexity.
I hope you all are enjoying life right now, I know I am chaotic rodeo atomic bomb that it is.
5 years ago
So I figured I should give you guys an update, and I'll see if anyone watches this profile.
Status: Alive and Happy to be here
Occupation: Pursuing my Mechanical Engineering Degree, 3 semesters left. If I take a fourth I can come out with a double in Electrical Engineering.
Will to live can primarily be attributed to: Satisfaction in doing work and kicking ass at being a contributing member of society / interesting person.
Meaningful relationship: Nothing, and yet I look searching impudently.
Music: When You Were Young - The Killers
What would you like to know about my life?
I had a dream last night, it was better than normal. Dreamt I was standing with a very nice girl, she went to hug me and kissed my cheek. I kissed her's back, and she looked at me and we kissed. It was tender not passionate or aggressive. After a few brief kisses she pulled back... I looked to her but she told me, "We won't work together, we're friends and that's it. But you deserved the kiss, and maybe it will remind you of what you're looking for. I really liked kissing her, better than a normal even for a dream girl or perhaps despite being a dream girl. And though I wish it we're just a dream it did leave me feeling good today so I can't regret it.
It's rare for there to be any coherent message in my dreams. I'm entertained to find something solid here even though I don't entertain Oracle prophecies.
6 years ago
It began inauspiciously, sleeping in through my token alarm: though I have nothing to wake up for I still set my radio to put on early edition at 7:00. The downside of listening to the news unconsciously is that you can't be sure what's really happening and what you've dreamed. This morning I'm left with the valuable if true statistic that something like four in five employers consciously consider spelling and grammatical errors in job applications while making hiring decisions. Even if that wasn't part of the program it still might be something true that I heard at one point. Spelling mistakes really aren't worth tolerating whether or not the study happened.
Another downside to sleeping through the radio program is the lucid state it puts you in. My mother asked me if I have class this morning and my first response was something like, "You need more units to defend the city." It seems I've been playing too much Civ4.
On the whole things went well, I am well on my way to becoming a Master of Science it seems, which is the closest to being a wizard one can really hope for with out ending up at the Renaissance fair and not a good one at that if they have a wizard.
My last big victory of the day came in my evening history class:
The professor asked, "What is this great evil in Portugal that Westley refers to by the 'daily murder and torture of the most noble and spiritual souls?'"
"No one can think of daily state sanctioned murders that happened in Spain and Portugal in this period? They went on for years."
I realize the answer and I can't hold it back, "Well I wouldn't expect it."
"Expect what it is he's talking about?"
"Yeah, the acts explicitly, I mean, my understand was that no one expected it."
My Professors face reflects thoughtfulness as he unravels my allusion and transforms with satisfaction on realization, "Oh, you're making a referance; to Monty Python." He forms a smirking grimace and puts a hand to his head, the girl sitting next to me shortly comes to the same conclusion. Two face-palms on topic. My delivery could no doubt have been better, but it was certainly the better choice than shouting No one expects the Portuguese Inquisition.
On the whole I'm having far too much fun with my classes. I don't mean good clean fun mind you, but legitimate enjoyment from learning, which is why I'm pursuing an overload for the rest of the summer to better satiate my appetite.
By the way slugs, like most molluscs are hermaphrodites. A fact which I'm told is unusual to know and produce on sight of slugs. Now you can be unusual too!
Soul Love ~ David Bowie
6 years ago
I remember reading a story in eighth grade where people were all made to be equal by their government so that no one could feel disadvantaged or powerless relative to any other. No one would ever be any less than anyone else. The results - regardless of the means - were a society of the unremarkable, the uninteresting, and the uninspired.
2081 - Based on the short story "Harrison Bergeron" by Kurt Vonnegut
6 years ago
Or so I believe, you'll have to be the judge.
The beginnings are fuzzy; I'm a member of an organized crime syndicate. The Don tells me that he's going to take out any members who were recipients of a distinguished military honor as it is a sign of their betrayal. I think great, I'm not one of those guys, and I go about setting them up for the hit and looking forward to a new place closer to the Don. The hit is set up so that I have them gathered in a house where they will be easily surrounded. I'm talking with a cohort is in on the plan when I realize how vulnerable we are in the house with these men. It occurs to me that the hit I've been told of is a half truth to lower my suspicions, I inform my associate and we go to run.
In the parking lot outside things are going badly, the hit men have arrived and my panic has alerted the other marked men. As men are gunned down in cold blood I climb a steep embankment covered in leaves and hide at the top hoping that I will go unnoticed. But it is not so, and as I am found I roll over to be shot twice through the chest.
I realize that I am going to die shortly, and in my last moments I crawl into the next room (dreamscape scene change!). There is a young woman I know standing in the doorway, heartbroken she takes me in her arms and I holder as best I can. She shouts for an ambulance, but I decline, I know I am dead and I do not want to spend my last moments clawing for life when I could hold her. I look up from her shoulder and see the Don standing in the doorway. When he sees my eyes there is a realization between us. It is communicated in an instant that I was loyal and he was mistaken to have me killed, and for this I feel his sorrow as he watches his daughter hold me before I slip away into unconsciousness.
I wake up alone and drag myself into a chair; waiting for death I begin reading a magazine to pass the time. And yet death does not come, after a few minutes I figure I might make it to the hospital after all. It seems to me I was suffering from the shock of being shot and that my wounds were not in fact fatal. I, now being in my home, do my best not to worry my parents, but explain that I believe I should go to the hospital to treat the two bullet wounds in my chest. My mother is very upset about the blood but in a nagging sort of way not a Ã¢â‚¬Å“my babyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s going to dieÃ¢â‚¬Â sort of way. I wake up for real this time.
Despair in the Departure Lounge - Artic Monkeys I can't decide whether I like this better than the version by the kooks or not since they're virtually indistinguishable.